Day 5... Choices

We have a lot of choices these days.  Some are trivial like which drink to get at Sonic and some are life altering.  I think a lot of things I have experienced along this journey involve choices.

I remember the last morning I was in the hospital after she was born.  I woke up EARLY!  My girl had been taken off the ventilator the day before and things were looking up.  There were no answers but there was a sense of hope in my spirit.

Hope and fear.  Time for a confession.  I am often afraid to put my heart "out there".  I really don't want to feel the hurt or pain.  I saw this as I expected both of my children.  I was excited about having these babies but I didn't get outwardly excited.  I didn't imagine a lot of the things that I would do with this little person who had invaded my body.  After, something might happen.  I often thought it was just because I didn't feel well while pregnant.  Later I have decided that I tend to guard my heart, especially when I fear great pain.

This particular morning I was actually feeling hopeful.  There were no real new facts just a joy building in my heart.  I was looking at two fuzzy instant photos that had been taken by the NICU staff for me.  There was my daughter.  The picture wasn't beautiful.  It showed lots of tube and wires.  Truthfully it was scary.  But I had a choice to make.  I could guard my heart or realize that no matter what I could choose to love her.  I could choose to love her with my whole heart!  There it was.  This beautiful, helpless, precious girl was mine.  God had entrusted her to me.  She deserved to be loved with all that I had in me no matter what.  I had to choose to love her even if it was for only a few more hours.  I had to choose to love her even if it was for a month or a year.

I chose.  I chose to love this precious girl.  JOY filled my heart at that moment and I knew that I loved her already and that it was the sweetest gift I had to offer.

And then the bang.

Just after that the roller coaster ride we were on lurched forward....  one doctor called as another walked into my room.  She had to be put back on the ventilator.  She just couldn't keep going on with out help.  More question.  There was some good news though, the first blood test came back with no problems (or answers).  GULP!  I chose to smile and move forward.  I didn't really know what was next but I knew I was IN.  I was ready to love this tiny, helpless baby no matter what.

Later that day we left the hospital to go home, without our daughter.  It was hard but I knew that I had made the choice.

Eleven years later that is still a sweet memory.  I chose to love her all the way.  I have been given so much more than I have ever given to this miracle.  I am blessed!