The Gift of a Grey Day

Do you enjoy the gift of a grey day?  Today is a grey kind of day here.  I breath in a tad deeper and pause just a moment.  Today is a gift.

Some grey days are great for curling up with a good book.  Some are perfect for a movie marathon.  Some grey days fit a melancholy mood.  They are a stark contrast to the sunny HOT days we often seen here in Texas.

Life is busy and hectic.  Often we move at such a fast pace that we need to stop and enjoy a grey day.

Today is not a slow day or less hectic.  I can not curl up with a book or cuddle with my girls and watch movies all day.  Instead it is full.

I long just a tad for those days when my girls were little.  I also remember that many grey days in a row can drag on.  I remember days when the grey fit my mood and God met me there.  I think on sweet times of being home and the schedule didn't move by as fast.

This morning as I gaze out the window ready to get on with the day I pause and breath deeply.    I am refreshed by God's beautiful grey day.

Day 31... Just Another Day #31days

So today marks the last day of the writing challenge I began 31 days ago.

Thank you to those who have read along and encouraged me too.  This was a personal mission I started and am pleased to say that I have finished!  There are so many stories that have gone into making our family and God has done so many things.  The most important thing I can do is tell what God has done.

Today is October 31.  What does that mean to you?  For us it is Nana's birthday!  It has been a fun tradition to celebrate her birthday every year by dressing up in costume and handing out candy to "spookies" (as Claire named them when she was very little and it has stuck).

It is also a fun time to remember the creative and fun stages our girls have been through.

 From the sweet fairies of that first year to the year both girls were nurses (seriously we had been in the hospital way too much that year.

 to Hannah Montana and Lola...

 to the traditional 50's girls...

a kitty and the tooth fairy....

and the princess girls....

One that stands out to represent "us" the best was the year they were ducks....

You see Miss Alex was on "homebound" (that's doctor code for complete isolation from everyone so you don't get H1N1) for 10 weeks.  The few occasions she went anywhere or was around anyone she had to wear a mask.  We didn't want to miss out on our October 31 traditions so we got creative.  We figured out how to paint one of the masks and make it look like a duck bill.  Claire joined the fun and the rest just sort of happened.  That was a FUN night.  Family and friends "trick or treated" by and she got her love tanks nicely filled up (she didn't even break rules, she just wore her costume AND got LOTS of hugs in the process).  I remember the girls doing the Chicken Dance with Nana and there was a lot of giggling going on.  Apparently it is fun to be a duck!

What I love about this is it represents our approach to our "normal" life.  It may seem hard.  It may call for sad days and disappointments but God made us creative.  We have learned to take the detours of our journey and turn them into amazing moments that this mom treasures in her heart.

Day 30... Quiet Hope #31days

We all go through times of trial and struggle.  It is part of life.  

I am typically an NIV kind of girl.  I grew up learning God's word with an NIV Bible.  I am finding that there are times that reading different versions can offer me a fresh perspective.

During a season of difficulty and heavy stress I stumbled upon this verse.

Lamentations 3:26-33 (MSG) says "It is a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God.  When life is heavy and hard to take go off by yourself.  Enter the silence.  Bow in prayer.  Don't ask questions.  Wait for hope to appear...  The master won't ever walk out and fail to return."

I love the idea that it is ok to quietly hope for help from God.    I often find that the silence of the early morning is easier to "bow in prayer".  As I start a new day I make up my bed and glance out the window of my bedroom.  Each morning I get a glimpse of God's amazing handiwork as the sun begins to peak up from behind the pond across the street.  It seems that it is easier to find comfort in God's hand when I watch Him create a new day.  Sigh...  this makes my heart happy.  Even when things are hard and facing the challenges of the day ahead seem daunting I am comforted as I watch Him.  I guess I now associate the sunrise with the quiet hope I have in the Lord.

I also love the end of this.  I love being reminded that the master won't walk out and fail to return.  He loves me.  He listens.  In a day an age where many of our connections with others are largely through social media and text messages this seems very personal.  

I am learning that no matter how hard life gets I can find a beautiful quiet hope in the Lord.  Sometimes I hope and get a different answer than I want.  Sometimes I hope and God has me wait.  Sometimes I hope and His answers come quickly.  No matter the answer finding quiet hope each morning is a beautiful gift.

Day 29... Ready, Set...... #31days

I have a morning routine.  Do you?  When I follow my morning routine I get most of what needs to be done.  When things get out of order I miss (or almost miss) things.

When we had this precious girl home as a newborn we of course had a diaper bag ready to go.  Just like all parents there are standard things that HAD to leave the house with us every time (or else we would go back and start again).  After a while we also had a hospital bag ready to go.  This had some things for her but also things for me.  Seriously, asking the husband to look in a specific drawer in a specific place isn't always effective (do we remember the pants?).

The hospital bag stayed packed for a long time (like 6 or 7 years I think).  Our hospitalizations happen less frequently and we are better at knowing when it is coming so I can usually grab my essentials just before we leave or while waiting for the doctor to return the call.

We have found routine and order to be so helpful for many aspect of caring of Alex.  For 11 years we had the same nutrition routine for her.  It was amazing how often we would look at a clock or she would ask for her formula at just 2:30 each afternoon.  It became the family clock and we all moved by it.

For the past two and a half months we have made changes to this well run routine.  This has been hard for all of us.  We are having to think about many things.  I know we will all get better at it and we already have.

It all reminds me that God does like for us to be prepared.  Throughout the Bible there are references to things that need to be prepared and things that have been prepared.  1 Peter 3:15 says "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have."

Many of my daily routines and disciplines help me prepare for the physical needs of my day but also for the spiritual needs.  I need to be ready and prepared.  God has done an amazing work in me and has given me a great hope.  The hope I have in Jesus surpassed anything I can imagine here on earth.

Daily I need to prepare for my family but I also need to prepare for what God has for me each day.  So, are you ready, set....?

Day 28... Not Called To Go To Africa #31days

In college it seemed like the thing to do was "GO".  As a growing believer I was surrounded by many who were being called into ministry.  Many have gone.  Many of these same people are my heroes.

I did attend a wonderful missions conference because I had been challenged to "go and get a bigger picture of who God is".  The world was certainly opening up for me but unlike my peers I still did not feel the call to go to Africa or another part of the world.

I always wondered if I was wrong some how.  I do like the comforts of warm showers and air conditioning but I wasn't trying to tell God I wouldn't go.  I just didn't seem to be called to "go".

Matthew 28:19 says "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations..."

I have always wanted to make sure that I wasn't missing God's call on my life.  Even before I became a mom I have loved pouring myself into the lives of young women.  Women who wanted to know God better and walk according to His ways.  I had the opportunity to disciple a few women.  I get great joy in praying for them still.

Once Alex came into my life I began to see the mission God had for me didn't mean I had to "go" actually but my mission field might be a bit smaller.  At first I felt trapped by the tiny life we were living.  I was lonely and tired and stuck at home to "protect" my girl a LOT.  Some days were very difficult.  It took a while before I was able to see outside of myself and my home.

While my "go" looks different from some amazing men and women who have "gone" to many different parts of the world I am getting more content with God's call on my life.  For now, today anyway, I am to be here att home.  I have the joy to disciple two beautiful, talented, spunky, God-loving little women.  These days are special and precious.  Some days are frustrating with a tween and a teen girl.  Together we will move from one day to the next and I am living an amazing call on my life to be the mom of these two girls.

I hope my heart stays aware of God's call on my life as we continue to go.  I pray that I will see those around me who need to know the hope of Jesus.  I also am thankful that God has a special mission even for me.

Day 27... Fuel for the Journey #31days

This is the end of the hopscotch.  Along with friends and family who signed we took this stone to the pediatrician's office.  There the office staff added their signatures to our hopscotch.  This was special because they had been and have continued to be an important part of our journey.  We need them.  They answer questions, investigate issues, advocate for her, and care for her along the way.

Is it odd this doctor's office is one of her favorite places to go?  I don't think so.  They have supported us in beautiful ways.  We do our part.  We work diligently to make sure we are not taking advantage of them.  We work with them and what they have going on to determine the best actions for us to take.

Over the years I have gotten to know many staff well.  I pray for them regularly.  I don't know how often they are thanked for what they do.  I don't know how well supported they are for the difficult moments they help many families navigate through.

Ephesians 6:10 says, "Finally be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power."  This is the verse on this stone.

We did not know what we would be needing as she got older but we all need to find our strength in the Lord.  I know we do not know what is ahead but I do know that He has been with us at every step.  I am always learning things and finding my safest place is when I am depending on Him.

Day 26... Starting Line, Traveling Buddies.... #31days

At the starting line of this entire journey we were surrounded by friends and family.  How appropriate that our staring line (and finish line) of our hopscotch incorporated them!  

During that first birthday celebration our family and friend gathered to honor what God had done and celebrate the victory this first birthday represented.

1 Samuel 1:27 says "I prayed for this child and the Lord has granted me what I ask of him."

We had all prayed.  God had answered.  These may be my favorite stones out there.  It represents the community of believers that surrounded us and Alex.  They gave us hope when we were discouraged.  They have also continued to be there every step of the way.

I know they must grow weary of this continuing journey but I also see the special relationship they have with both of my girls.  Our girls are blessed and I love the sweet place in my heart that warms up just thinking about the traveling buddies God has provided for us and this amazing journey!!!

Day 25... Crowns #31days

  “O Lord, the king rejoices in your strength.  How great is his joy in the victories you give!  You have granted him the desire of his heart and have not withheld the request of his lips.  You welcomed him with rich blessings and placed a crown of pure gold on his head.  He asked you for life, and you give it to him - length of days, for ever and ever.”  Psalm 21:1-4

The tenth stone is a crown.  At our house we have many princess crowns.  It is part of being girls around here.  They go hand in hand with the sparkles and jewels.  While these things make me smile the crown on this stone makes me think of the beautiful gifts God has given to us.  It is hard to imagine but I did ask God to give my daughter life.  He did.  Amazing.  This truth alone stops me in my tracks.  He heard and he answered!!!

When I remember many of the hard and good days of the past 11 years I must claim that God has given us many victories.  I need to shout that louder than I do.  

This is an exciting idea but one that I don't always understand.  God is the giver of good gifts.  He is king.  He can do that.  He also listens to me.  Sometimes He listens to the cries of my heart and not even what I say out loud.  WOW!  

Today I want to live in the triumph of the victories that God gives.  I want to rejoice as one who has been heard by the King of Kings.  I am blessed. 

Day 24... Comfort of a Mother #31days

Stone number nine is a nine patch quilt!  I am a quilter (or at least I can quilt but I haven't finished many projects).  Isaiah 66:13 says "As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you..."  

This verse was put on the stone I think more as a reminder to me of my job.  As a mom it is easy to comfort my girls when they are getting sleepy and we are tucking them into bed.  It is easy to comfort them when they get bumps and bruises when playing.  Other times I find this job very hard.

There are times our girls tell us that something is not "fair".  We see most of those as opportunities to teach them about real life.  Life isn't always fair and our little rule keepers struggle with this idea in general.

I worried a lot about both girls when Alex was in and out of the hospital a lot as a toddler and preschooler. 

For Alex I was asking her to follow directions and be brave under circumstances that I know to be unjust.  She is a very difficult stick (for either lab draws or IVs).  The closest thing I can relate these sessions to is a torture.  Many times these would occur in her sickest moments when it was vital for the IV to be running through her.  I can still see some of these moments and remember the fears I had.  I had to look her in the eyes trying to help her to calm down and be brave.  Often there were many people at her bedside holding her down so they could try again to find a good vein.  I had to be brave.  I wanted to grab her and run away but I knew the only chance she had for survival was getting these IVs going.  It was hard.  I wondered if she would hate me as she got older.  I did the best I could knowing it was all I could do.  Some times (usually in the middle of the night) her IVs infiltrate.  This is especially painful for her.  As a toddler it was often a guessing game to know what was happening.  We were both usually exhausted too.  It is hard to know how to comfort when a hug is painful and sleep is needed for both of us.  The comfort I have now is that we have a lot of experience behind us.  I can say she is the bravest person I have ever known.  Somehow we have a routine that we find comforting these days and she does look to me to help her through them.  She is a trooper and my heart melts.

For Claire it was hard to say good-night at the hospital while someone else took her home and put her to bed.  It is hard to let Dad get her ready for picture day while Mom is in the hospital with Sis.  It is hard to help her with a bad day when I am focused on getting Alex to a doctor's appointment.  It is hard letting someone else comfort her instead of me.  

Some of the more difficult times for me to comfort the girls is when things are truly "unfair".  It is unfair that our family plans are cancelled due to the threat of illness of Alex.  It is hard for half our family to attend a family funeral while the others go to the hospital.  It is unfair that we do not join friends in certain activities because it is not a safe choice for Alex.  It is unfair that both parents can not have dinner with you on your ninth birthday because we are admitting your sister to the hospital.  It is unfair that you have to grow up living concepts of trust and uncertainty that even the adults in your family find difficult to understand.  These are the moments that I play over and over.  Often we cuddle on the couch.  Often we cry.  Then we make a plan and move on.

While we are better at handling these situations I think I forget that these are the ones that I need to actively comfort the girls for still.  They are good troopers but I don't always remember to help them move through their emotions of disappointment.  We think they should be good at it by now.  They are still growing and changing. 

I am amazed they are the vibrant girls they are today.  They are independent.  They are engaged in the life they are living.  They are aware of others around them.  They are girls of good character.  Somewhere along the way I can see that God has always been there for them (and me) comforting us along the way.  His love truly does comfort us.

Day 23... God prepared in advance #31days

Raising a daughter with an uncertain future has changed my perspective of the future.  It is hard to know how to encourage her to prepare for the future.

Of course we are preparing her for a future.  We have every reason to hope that God is going to continue to help her live a complete and wonderful life.  We just don't know what that is suppose to look like.

As her parents we want to decide her future for her.  We want to guide her into pursuits that will be "safe".  The truth is this may not be what God's ideas are for her future.

Ephesians 2:10 says "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."

I am drawn to the phrase "which God prepared in advance for us to do".  I like the idea that God has already prepared work for her to do in advance.  I have said from early in this journey that He must have a mighty plan for this kid.  I have seen it.  I have even gotten to be a part of it.

Because of Alex I have had people come and ask me to pray for them.  Because of Alex I have had the privilege to sit next to someone as they made that step to trust the Lord for eternity.  Because of Alex I have prayed for people for 10 years.  Because of Alex I have had the opportunity to encourage people who work hard in usually thankless jobs.

I watch as Alex is drawn into the hearts of new people.  People are drawn to her.  They adore her.  God has put something almost magical into her personality that allows her and her story to touch lives.

We put the Ephesians verse on the eighth stone.  As a one-year old it represented a trust that God would do mighty things through her and because of her.  As an eleven year old it helps me to trust the Lord for the directions we encourage her to pursue.  I hope that I will cling to this as she develops wings of independence and begins to follow the journey God has for her as she gets older.  Of course I'll be near by cheering her on but I won't be the one making the decisions.  I'll be the one trusting God's plan for her life.

The truth is this is the way I should parent both girls.  They are both His workmanship.  They are both loved by Him and His plans are what they should pursue.  I think I am a better parent because of this double check for the girls.  I have to trust their todays and their tomorrows into His mighty and capable hands.  I also get a front row seat for their journeys.  How cool is that??!!!!

Day 22... Joy and Strength #31days

Do you ever wonder how you are going to do this?  Perhaps it is cleaning out the garage.  Maybe it is folding that mountain of laundry.  It might be going to the doctor to get test results.  It might be waiting while someone you love fights for their life in an operating room.

My days like this vary just like yours.  There are days when the phone rings and you just don't know where your going to get the strength to do what you know is ahead of you.  Some days I don't want to either.

I have found that God gives me strength when I need it but it doesn't look like I think it should.

Nehemiah 8:10 says "... for the joy of the Lord is my strength."

We put this on the 7th stone in the hopscotch.  Can you see the ladybug's head?  This just makes me smile!

I learned a long time ago that "joy" comes from the Lord.  I want to be happy but "joy" is different.  It is a gift.  It does lift me up in a way that a happy moment can not.  Joy does come when I need it.  It even comes when I don't expect it.

Often a phrase from a praise song comes to my head when I feel week and vulnerable.  "You are my strength when I am weak, you are the treasure that I seek you are my all in all."

God often floats that song through my head and heart and helps me to refocus my worry and concern on Him.  Because many of my days like this involve my daughter I breath and take one look at her face and realize that every move I make and thing I say will impact how she responds.  I usually smile and find one of my silly "mom phrases" to assess the situation and make another move.  We have learned to find joy in lots of unusual places...  the ER (usually once an iv is running), a hospital room (she controls the tv!), doctor's appointments, forced isolation days at home.  God continues to give us joy and strength.  One thing that has come of this is that she immediately looks for these fun things in these stressful moments as she gets older.  I admit, it seems like she is often driving the "joy" and I am being reminded to get on board.

When she was little I worried that she would struggle with all of the hard things she has to deal with.  Most of the time she does a great job!  She lights up a doctor's office when we are there.  She embraces movie days at home (no matter what she is missing with her friends).  She has an amazing perspective on life.  I'm so glad God has been filling her heart with joy through these years!!!!

Day 21... My Cup Overflows (with tea parties) #31days

“…my cup overflows.  Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”  Psalm 23:5-6

The sixth stone is a teapot with curly smoke escaping from the spout.  This is a good picture of the life we are living.  Many good things come pouring over our lives.  Yes I work to make hard things more fun and we of course have many pink, purple and sparkly things to add just the right touch to our lives.

We love our house of girls.  (Even the pets are all girls, poor hubby.)  The years have been filled with giggles, tears, sparkles, tea parties, creative projects, imaginative games, music, hugs, stories...  Our lives are rich and full.  I hope that we are living in such a way that the Lord's goodness is demonstrated to those we meet.

This picture was taken at a wonderful children's park.  I love the verse on this statue.  I pray that her future will be filled with the good things that the Lord will provide.  I hope we are raising her to embrace those good things and hold on to them.

Day 20... Fingerprints #31days

We all know that our children are amazing works of art.  God has made them special and unique.

Psalm 139:14 says 

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, Your works are wonderful I know that full well."

Since becoming a mom almost 15 years ago that verse reminds me of the amazing plans God must have for my kids.

Stone number 5 has this verse and the fingerprints of Claire and the hand print and  foot print of Alex on them.

While I have always known He made them special this verse holds a special place for me in my parenting "tool box".

You see Alex's disorder is genetic.  God chose one gene from her dad and I am used them to put her together.  Without those genes she would not have LCHAD.  Without those genes she would not be made the way He chose to make her.  I have to choose to embrace this.  I choose Alex.  I always choose Alex.  Alex has LCHAD.

This story goes back to even before we knew she was on her way....

We had tried for some time to have another baby.  We had consented to some testing to determine what the problem was.  Deric and I went to get the results of those test.  They were inconclusive and they suggested more aggressive treatments.

We thanked them and left.  Over lunch we discussed that neither of us had a peace about pursuing the options they presented to us.  We prayed.  We agreed to wait.  We would not even revisit the issue until after the first of the year (this was November).  We specifically prayed that if God wanted us to have another child that He would act in such a way that we would KNOW it was His plan and not ours.

Guess what, I was already pregnant with Miss Alex at the time and we didn't know it.

God has given us a sweet gift of knowing that He created her.  She is just the way He wants her to be.  What assurance we have as we walk through this journey.  She is not an accident.  She is unique and special and an amazing masterpiece that God continues to mold and shape.

Day 19... Butterflies #31days

The four wings of the butterfly (complete with the four dots) are on the fourth stone of the hopscotch. Isn't it cute?  (The third stone of the gifts was in a previous post.)

Ecclesiastes 3:11 says "He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

I could not help but think about eternity in those early days A LOT.  I knew that God had a plan and that no matter how many days she lives it is His plan.  It is perfect.  It is right.  I have learned to find great comfort in a heaven perspective.  I have also experienced a tiny taste of not being able to fathom what He has done.  

I truly believe He performed a miracle that day when things went wrong.  My husband and I both believe that God chose for her to come back.  It isn't something we talk about much but we both do.  There is no real reason for her to be alive.  There is no reason for her to live a healthy life.  We could not do anything but God could.  God did.  Ok, so it won't be until we are in heaven that we can actually ask Him what happened that day and why He gave us back our daughter.  

I love living with a miracle.  It is humbling but good.  Having her in my life keeps my perspective rooted firmly on an eternal perspective (on most days).

Day 18... Cherries #31days

"Rejoice with those who rejoice...." Romans 12:15

Bright red cherries decorate the second stone of the hopscotch.  It is cheerful.  It is joyful.  It is good.

There have been times that the idea of "rejoicing" was distant and difficult.  I had to work to learn to smile even when I didn't feel like it.  I wondered if I ever would.  God was gracious as He waited for me to see the joy He put in our lives.  My sweet blonde blue-eyed girl brought a lot of joy to us in those early days.  Kids do have a way of helping us keep moving on.  Her sweet hugs and kisses brought us back into the reality that God was good and we had a lot to rejoice about.

This morning I have many things to rejoice about.  God's gracious gifts are abundant.  They are not always dressed up the way I think they should be but they are more than I could have ever imagined.

Day 17... How Wide, Long, High and Deep #31days

During the crazy-hard, roller coaster days before we knew what was happening with Alex a friend of mine called.  She told me that she had been praying this verse for me...

Ephesians 3:16-21
“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith.  And I pray that you being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.  Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!  Amen.”  

I jotted down the reference and set it aside.  It was evening.  I was tired.

Sometime later, I don't remember if it was that evening or the next day I found these verses and was blessed.  Here was beautiful words to describe exactly what I needed.  God knew.  She knew.  I hadn't a clue!

Through that first year I clung tightly to these verses.  They expressed the desperate cries of my heart that I didn't know how to express.  They were beautiful.  

I know that He strengthened us.  We began to get a better glimpse at how wide, long, high and deep Christ's love is for us.  This was our desire.  This is still our desire.  God's plans will be accomplished.  The things we need are often the things we get only from Him.  

The heart of our needs expressed well a significant step for me.  I chose a big beautiful heart for the #1 stone in Alexandra's hopscotch.  It stands as a major step of faith for me.  

I have had the opportunity to pray this for others and share this with them along the way.  It is very special to me.  I will count it a joy to pray for others to understand God more as they walk through things that are not fully understandable during our journey.  

Remembering these stories has me looking through old photos.  I took these of her while she was playing when she was two.  I love this girl.  Looking at these reminds me how far we have come and what an incredible young lady she is becoming too.  God's faithfulness is so good.

Day 16... The Stones #31days

About October of that fall Bible study had made it to Joshua 4.  This is the part where Joshua lead the people to cross the Jordan river to enter the promise land.

By this time my sweet baby girl and I had learned how to sit in the corner pretty well.  I was past the part where I was tempted to cry all the time and our family was walking a little more confidently.  We were better able to see what God had done in our family and our daughter's life and were very thankful.

The  Lord instructed Joshua to have a man from each tribe take up a stone from the middle of the Jordan and place it where they stayed that night.  The purpose of the was to serve as a sign.  "In the future, when your children ask you, 'What do these stones mean?' tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord.  When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off.  These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever."  (NIV, Joshua 4:5-7)

That evening I was so excited to share with my husband what I had learned.  You see I knew that we had to do this.  Not the crossing Jordan part, but the making a memorial part.  The only problem was all I could see in my tired, overly imaginative time was grave stones.  That was scary.  So I prayed.

Now if you know me at all I tend to like to make things cute!  After all, the cuter the better!  For months I kept wondering how I was going to honor God by putting stones so that when out little girls asked what they were for I was going to tell them all the God had done.  You can see it, right??

Months later I began to look forward to her first birthday.  Was it true?  Could she really have lived all the way to a year?  WOW!  I was scared.  I was reliving many of the things we had gone through.  One night I figured out just what we needed to do...  hopscotch!!  That wasn't scary.  That could be made from stones and it could represent the vibrant life of our family.

I enlisted the help of a sweet friend that is a wonderful artist.  I wanted my idea to look great.  I also wanted it to last.  I thoughtfully went through all that had happened.  I prayed through many of the verses that God had used to teach us, encourage us, and comfort us.  I chose 12 verses and assigned one to each number and design.  It was perfect!

For her first birthday we had our family and home team join us to celebrate all that God had done.  They each signed either the starting line or the finish line.

 Outside under the trees this amazing group of 12 stones sits today.  It is getting rained on today.  Many of the stones are not as bright as they were ten years ago.  It does stand as a monument to what God did that year and has continued to do.  We have even had a few opportunities to share the story with new friends when they have visited our home and asked, "what do these stones mean?".

Day 15... Fuel for the Journey #31days

God orchestrates so many plans for us.  He leaves us just what we need as we go.

As I took my preschooler to Mother's Day Out and headed over to Bible study that first Tuesday I remember thinking, "can I do this?"  After all I had a newborn in tow that I still wasn't sure what her needs were and what they were going to be.  This is what I had planned to do before this journey got so crazy.

I hauled in all my baby stuff and found a cozy corner in the room to "camp" while my friends were getting ready to dive in to a new Bible study.  I had never been great at completing all the "homework" for this study in the past but I always got a lot out of it.  I did think I was crazy to start such an endeavor.  

That first day we talked about what the study was about and the lessons from the first homework (no, I hadn't done the homework).  Joshua 1:7 jumped out at me and caught me off guard.  "Be strong and very courageous.".  My heart began to pound.  God's words were not just for Joshua the were for ME!  Be strong.  I had been working to be strong but doubting that I could be since this little one had come into my life.  I didn't know if I could do what was before me.  I didn't know if I could face loosing a baby, a child, my daughter.  When was it going to happen?  What was going to happen?  No matter what my mind was thinking my heart was screaming at me to listen....  "Be strong and very courageous."  That is when the tears came.

That morning I sat in the corner of the room and cried while holding my little girl.  God was telling me that I could be strong.  Somehow I knew that coming to Bible study and dragging my baby stuff with me wasn't wrong.  He was here.  I didn't even have to do the homework to learn what God wanted me to learn.  He was going to walk with me and teach me as I went.

Amazing women from my church began to unpack God's word in Joshua that fall.  It was a season I will never forget.  Women I loved were studying.  I sat and soaked it up.  I cried.  They smiled.

Looking back I see that God used many aspects of that fall to prepare me (and hopefully my little family) for this crazy journey.  Back then I would never have predicted that I would be sitting here today listening to the sounds of that same little baby as she prepares for school.  Listening to her practice piano and forget to brush her hair (again).  I would never have thought I could have been strong enough to handle the bad days in the hospital and the long nights.  I would have never thought that I would be parenting two beautiful, strong, independent and unique young ladies.  I would not have been able to imagine getting through a day or even a week without crying because I was afraid of what was going to happen next.

Last night I didn't sleep well.  I was worrying over details of life and what my role as a parent is as I am parenting a teenager.  I was struggling to let go of those details and trust that the Lord was going to lead me today.  This morning I am reminded that He has prepared me in the past for what was ahead.  Sometimes I do have to be strong and courageous but He is my strength and my shield.  He knows what I need and has done a faithful job of providing.  I need to remember that today I need to be strong in Him.

Day 14... "I brought you your pants!" #31days

Today I am struggling with what to write.  I have started many different posts but none are right.

I have decided to tell you a funny story.  I'm sure I have learned something from this and it still makes me laugh....

This was probably Alex's third hospital stay.  I KNOW it was cold, like February.  We had gone to our large children's hospital and they had done a nice job of getting her iv running quickly.  I'm pretty sure this adventure had started in the middle of the night.  When we left the house I had thrown on sweats and taken off.

It took an exceptionally long time to get admitted to a room that time. I do not remember how long we were in a holding area but it was almost 24 hours I think. 

My husbands roll is usually to bring us a "list of needed items". He gathered them and fought his way across traffic with the goods. By this point I was in desperate need of a shower, clean clothes and sleep. When he got there there were no pajama pants but dress pants!!!!  

I don't think I was particularly understanding or nice. I think there were tears too. I really needed sleep and fresh clothes!!!!

In the end he did end up making the sacrifice to go my pajama pants.  It was a welcome act of kindness that even 10 years later is remembered.  Often when I ask him for a favor his reply is "I  brought you your pants!".  Usually there is a groan by me and a smile by him.  It is the silly, sometimes frustrating little moments that seem to build into this adventure.  I was so thankful for the pants that night.  I'm thankful for the many trips he brings us "stuff" to the hospital when we get bored or need something.  I'm thankful that he is moving along crazy journey with me.  And no, "I brought your pants" is not an acceptable excuse for getting out of doing your wife a favor.  It is a fun memory of difficult times and mile markers along the way.

Day 13... Move at a Steady Pace

I am a girl.  Emotions can get in the way.  As a girl and a mom of two girls I know that life can get pretty chaotic if you try to walk through life and ride the emotional roller coaster.  If I allow emotions to control things I find myself unprepared and constantly changing.

This morning I am finding myself choosing this again.  Raising a daughter whose health is directly related to nutrition and body awareness is kind of tricky.  I have to listen attentively to what she says and respond so that she knows I understand and care but shows that we continue to move forward at an even pace.

When I do this well I find that we collect helpful information that makes decisions easier.

For example, it is fall in Texas....  allergies!  MANY mornings she wakes up and tells me, "ugh, I don't feel good!".  I smile, hug her and ask another question.  I also remind her of the facts we know.  I assure her that I hear her but that many of us wake up feeling the same way with a scratchy throat and the strong desire to crawl back into our cozy beds.

You see inside I am secretly wondering if I am about to change my plans for the day.  Believe me it wouldn't be the first time!  I also know that many days we watch attentively and everything keeps moving forward.

When she was little it felt like we lived in "crisis" mode ALL THE TIME and is was exhausting!  Of course understanding and experience have given us more confidence along the way.  I must admit that I do struggle with this struggle a lot even these days.

I have to fight the temptation to allow my feelings to control the situation.  I have also learned to listen to them too.  

The most important thing I find helpful is to keep going, one step at a time.  If a crisis is coming we won't get there any faster by jumping ahead.  If extra care, rest or treatment is needed we won't know what to do until we get to that step.

God has been very gracious by provided just what we need as we go.  I have to stop and look back to remind myself that He hasn't left us and in fact has paved a beautiful path for us to travel.

Life is often enough of a roller coaster to navigate.  Reminding us all to move forward one step at a time is really helpful to help me not add unnecessary obstacles to the trip.

Day 12... What Can Stickers Teach You?

I have learned to use the "sticker test".  When Miss Alex was little we used lots of subtle signs to determine the care she needed.  Was she a little droopy?  Giver her some Sprite?  Was she excessively cranky too?  Maybe we would need to have a few things checked out.  The real unofficial test became the "sticker test".  

You see Alex LOVED the stickers she would get at the doctor's office (and we were there a LOT).  She developed a special relationship with each of the staff.  The gal in the front office would always give her a little strip of small round stickers.  This treat more than made up for whatever had been done do her in the office.  Alex would immediately take them off and stick them on her arm.  Fun!  

We noticed that when she was really not doing well the stickers did not get removed from the paper strip.  Many times when we would arrive her sweet "friends" in the office would try to cheer her up or get her to respond a little more.  We all began to notice that usually these days ended with a trip to the hospital.  

We began to use those anxious moments waiting to see the doctor as a sort of predictor of how the day would go.  If she decorated herself with the stickers we were probably going home.  If not we were probably going across the street to visit our friends at the ER.

As Miss Al has gotten older her love for the stickers hasn't changed.  At each doctor's office she asks for stickers.  They seem to be her personal reward for being brave.

I think they are little marks of bravery that she needs to remind herself that she can do all that is asked of her.

The less and less I find stickers around my house I realize the more we all need little moments of encouragement as we face the challenges life throws at us.  I think I need a "sticker test" to help me better predict what kind of care I need.  These "stickers" don't have to be anything too big.  They need to touch our heart and help us gauge our care needs.  

God is amazing at using creative ways to encourage us along our journey.  Sometimes it is a phone call from an old friend to build us up from the inside.  It might be a treat given to us by a coworker.  Maybe even a smile or a hug.  These are my stickers that can help me know what I need to keep going and face the challenges ahead.

Day 11... Rejoice Always, seriously?

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."   1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

This is a beautiful verse.  It looks great on a card.  It is a nice sign to have in my home.  It is a HARD verse to live out.

I think I am getting a little better at rejoicing always.  A little.  The challenge is when things are not going the way I think they should.  It is easy to turn my heart to the Lord when life gets hard.  I can plead with Him well.  I have to work to turn my heart toward Him with thanksgiving and joy when things are hard.  

I have worked at this and have experienced some amazing things when I have worked through the time with the Lord and honestly expressed my feelings asking to see the things I should see through His eyes.

I have watched Him restore the health of my daughter when faithful saints pray.  I have watched Him provide for my family when the task was unthinkable.  I have seen marriages restored.  I have seen people healed.  I have seen faithful men and women loose their fights with disease.  I have seen situations that I can not understand.  I have seen sinners saved.  I have seen precious friends turn from the Lord.  

The challenge is my response each time.  

Through each trial I am working to turn my anxious thoughts and frustrations to the Lord with prayer and thanksgiving.  As I do I am able to lay my requests at His feet and trust Him for the outcome.  Through those moments I experience true joy that only comes from the Father.  Often this is a process that I seem to struggle with over and over.  I need to work out my "feelings" with Him and allow Him to work in my heart and my mind.

God's faithfulness seems to always surprise me too.  After all He has done for me you would think I would not be so surprised by the unbelievable ways he works.  He is amazing and His gifts are too.  I'm just thankful He is patient with me through this journey.

Day 10... View From My Kitchen Sink #31days

An unexpected view during this crazy journey has been my kitchen sink.

Don't get me wrong, I have a great kitchen and a great kitchen sink.  I have to admit that I was unprepared for the lessons God would teach me at the kitchen sink.

Sometime I have struggled with daily disciplines.  As a teenager and young woman I struggled with things like making my bed every day, proactively doing the laundry (you know not waiting until you NEEDED what was in the pile), doing the dishes without letting them pile up and even daily quite times with the Lord.  Of course as I "grew up" these things began to improve as I matured.  As a young mom I thought I had a pretty good routine in place.  I liked an orderly home.  I loved taking care of my little daughter.  Her laundry was generally taken care of and along the way I took care of ours.  

With the addition of Miss Alex things got interesting.  We were very focused on each of her feedings.  Truthfully we were stressing ourselves out encouraging her to eat and recording every ml that she drank.  I actually have a complete record of every ml that she drank during her first year of life.  

The part I was unprepared for was my battle at the kitchen sink!  At first, while I was sleep deprived it was funny.  Every time I talked to my husband on the phone I was "making bottles, about to make bottles or had just made bottles".  It seemed simple and harmless enough.  

I remember a time when she was about six months old when I was just struggling with this.  I had found a routine and had a system down.  But the truth was I didn't want to wash bottles and make formula!  I struggled with the reality that this was important.  This was vital.  I could NOT EVER miss this.  After all, her life depended on it.  I know the struggles were more about other issues too but I was taking it out at the kitchen sink.  My heart would get mad.  I would fuss at God (usually without anyone else knowing).  I would cry.  It was my battle ground.  I had to choose to do this every day, no matter what.  I was also choosing not to like it.  Apparently my stubborn side was coming out and I often felt like that little girl digging heals in, crossing her arms and pouting.  I knew this was so much easier than what we could be doing but I was realizing the endless nature of this fight.  

God patiently walked along side me each time.  I vented to Him about how hard this was.  I went back and forth with my willingness.  Eventually I settled into the predictability of the routine.

I wish I could tell you that every time I struggled I would turn my heart to the Lord.  Sometimes I did.  Sometimes I did not.   I wish I could tell you that I used my time to memorize a scripture or even pray for friends.  Sometimes I did and sometimes I did not.  My husband and I used this as a bargaining tool.  "If you do this for me I'll do that."  (I know mature, right?)

Less than two months ago we changed everything about her routine.  No more bottles and formula!!  Did I celebrate?  nope.  Did I do a happy dance?  nope.  So what changed?  Now I wash the dishes several times a day (whenever I'm in the kitchen).  I clear off the counter without a fuss or a fight.  No major power struggles needed.  I am different.  God has slowly transformed me.  The daily discipline of washing her bottles and making formula has changed me.  I accept the tasks that need to be done a little easier.  I am not fighting God over the kitchen sink any more.

Day 9... Curves ahead #31days

Tuesday was a perfect example of the types of detours I have learned to just "go with".  I had a plan for the day.  It was good.  It was productive. It was a tad busy but manageable.

What is usually a two hour doctor's appointment (our long visit) turned into a four hour one.  To complicate the day more we squeezed in another appointment just before it to "make sure things were ok".  All of this led to an overly silly and tired girl and an unprepared mom.

I am usually VERY prepared.  Tuesday I was not.  I had to make some quick plans THEN navigate traffic for an hour and a half.  (I don't particularly like traffic and had scheduled a midday appointment to miss the traffic.)  Dinner was "take out" and taken with us to a school meeting.

My "to do's" didn't get done but that is ok.  Tuesday I did what I needed to do.  Over the past 11 years detour days like this have ended in doctor's appointments.  Some have ended in the hospital.  Some have ended cuddling at home on the couch watching movies.

I like to stick to a plan.  I have gotten better at changing a plan.  When our days got derailed a lot I tended to stay home and I didn't get involved in our community where it was important to attend meetings like today.  Staying home made it easier to navigate these curves.

I'm getting better in the way I mange the unexpected curves.   Some days are like that.  God changes my plans for me.  The bigger challenge I am finding is to pay attention to the scenery on these curves.  I get pretty stressed navigating and steering and I forget to look around and enjoy the view.  This time I saw my daughter as a growing young lady.  She was no longer a baby or a toddler that needed to be entertained.  She was no longer the little girl with a big bag of activities to keep her busy.  I didn't have to give any pep talks about being brave.  I just got to hang out with her.  I got to be with her as she kept cracking jokes that only the room full of student doctors decided to laugh at while the rest of us were chatting.  I got to coach her to respond honestly to the doctors and begin the journey of advocating for herself.

I imagine there are many more curves ahead for us.  I hope I remember to look around a little more and check out the sites along the way.

Day 8... Sissy Secrets

Growing up both my husband and I knew the joy (and trials) of having brothers.  Our hope was to have a family where the brother/sister bond could develop and enhance our family.

Sisters...

I have joked that our oldest needs her little sister.  She needs to learn to enjoy life when things get messy.  She needs to see life from a crazier point of view.  Our little one needs her big sister to show her the ropes.  Claire sets an amazing example for a little sister to follow.

Our girls seem to love growing up in our "girl" home.  Even all the pets we have are girls!  Pink, purple and sparkles are wardrobe essentials.  Creative pursuits, music and giggles are constants here.

While it might seem that we have an ideal home we have more of a typical home.  Our girls are different!  They fuss and fight.  They see life from a different perspective.  They move to their own beats and seem to be thriving as individuals.

What they share is developing.  They have a bond.  I'm not even sure they understand it yet.  

I am convinced they will never be as afraid of LCHAD as the adults have been.  It is all they have known.  It is a normal, every-day thing to them.  It may shape our family but they just accept it and keep going.  

I guess I thought they would be best of friends.  The truth is they are sisters.  They are unique.  They are independent.  They do need each other but they don't even know how to express it.

They have some special secrets that I think only whisper between their hearts at this stage.  The foundations for their "grown up" life are still developing.  I don't think it will be what I think it will be but it is certain to be special.  The thing is I think eventually Miss Al will need Claire more and more.  Claire makes Al's life make sense.  Claire treats her honestly.  Claire tells it like it is!

These two have been through a lot together but they seem to find the joy in each situation.  They make sure that we don't take things too seriously either.

Watching them grow from little girls to young ladies is a joy.  It is an amazing masterpiece to watch develop.  I hope that as they continue to grow and God helps them embark on new adventures that I will be continue to have a front row seat.  I also hope that I can help them learn to listen to those "sissy messages" their hearts are communicating.  They are amazing and oh so complimentary.  I think that together these two are a might force to reckon with.  

Day 7... Craving Normal

It was the first time we took a family of four to church.  We only went to one service and then were headed home....  where it was safe...  or at least we felt safe....

Done, we successfully went to church as a family.  Whew.  Then we heard it, the little 3 year old voice, "Are we going to Jason's Jelly (that's what she called our usually Sunday lunch spot).  Confused, us adults just looked at each other.  Could we go?  Why couldn't we go?  Going to our "usual" place seemed too normal.  My husband and I realized that we wanted to go but no one had told us if we could go.  Why not?

I'll tell you why not, things had changed.  We had realized how uncertain the world we moved in was.  Life had been turned upside down.  We were scared.  

With one look and a nod he turned the corner.  We hadn't planned to go.  We weren't meeting anyone.  We went!

That day our family took a brave step forward and did something "normal" for the first time in a over a month.  The entire lunch was strange.  Usually we were surrounded by friends on Sundays at lunch.  That day it was just us.  Usually this was a great time of fellowship.  It was just us.  Our sweet daughter expressed the unvoiced cry that my husband and I had, we wanted to do something normal.  When we got home our world got a little sweeter.

That day I learned that God had given us this beautiful blue-eyed, blonde-haired girl too.  Her role in our family seemed to change that day.  She was going to help us learn how to be a normal family.  She would hold us accountable to live the life we had not just stay home and hide.  This sweetie has an adventurous spirit that is contagious.  We can not ignore her.  

Together my husband and I realized that we were never going to be "normal" in the world's eyes and our path had no road map but together we could redefine "normal".  We would do everything in our power to help our little family grow up to love the life we were living.  

We still sometimes "crave" a normal life but those days don't come very often.  For the most part we have been learning to live in and thrive in the journey God is leading us on.  We laugh.  We act silly.  We fuss and fight.  We get bored.  So far this not-so-normal life is pretty exciting and certainly has some amazing views.

Day 6... Super Heroes In Disguise

Do you know any Super Heroes?

I grew up in the 70's and 80's.  BAM!  POW!!  Men in tights.  These were the images I formed of super heroes.  Later they got more sophisticated and used some amazing technology (for the times).

In the past eleven years my idea of a super hero has really changed.

I do believe super heroes do come in disguise though.  They are often cloaked in normal, every day clothes.  They rarely use technology to come to the rescue.  They are very humble.  They often don't even know what super powers they have.

Some of my heroes have come baring a home cooked meal (if you know me well this may be the best power someone can actually have).  Some heroes have given crazy car rides for Clare from school to the hospital where I was with Miss Al.  Some heroes sneak into your house and scrub your bathroom when you are at the hospital.  Some heroes throw surprise parties that were already planned while I am at the hospital.  Heroes babysit, A LOT.  Heroes pray.  Heroes call and listen to my rant and raves.  They know me well and let me just get out the words that threaten to take me over.  When my rants are over they ask if I have my favorite Sonic drink and move on.  Heroes wear stethoscopes.  Heroes answer calls in the middle of the night.

God has equipped so many in His church to "rescue" us on His behalf.  He moves in mighty ways through unexpected and sometimes even unknown people.

I have met many super heroes along this journey.  I have found out about super powers that my friends and family are already equipped with that even they didn't know they had.  God has moved my heart because of many super heroes.  I'm so glad He uses amazing, average, ordinary "super heroes" in our lives.

One last thing, I have one pretty impressive super hero.  Her sparkly brown eyes and brown curly hair have gripped my heart with amazing force.  She is brave.  She is resilient.  God must have some pretty big things that He is storing up her super powers for.  She makes me hope that I am a super hero to someone else who need just the right kinds of powers that God has given to me.

Day 5... Choices

We have a lot of choices these days.  Some are trivial like which drink to get at Sonic and some are life altering.  I think a lot of things I have experienced along this journey involve choices.

I remember the last morning I was in the hospital after she was born.  I woke up EARLY!  My girl had been taken off the ventilator the day before and things were looking up.  There were no answers but there was a sense of hope in my spirit.

Hope and fear.  Time for a confession.  I am often afraid to put my heart "out there".  I really don't want to feel the hurt or pain.  I saw this as I expected both of my children.  I was excited about having these babies but I didn't get outwardly excited.  I didn't imagine a lot of the things that I would do with this little person who had invaded my body.  After, something might happen.  I often thought it was just because I didn't feel well while pregnant.  Later I have decided that I tend to guard my heart, especially when I fear great pain.

This particular morning I was actually feeling hopeful.  There were no real new facts just a joy building in my heart.  I was looking at two fuzzy instant photos that had been taken by the NICU staff for me.  There was my daughter.  The picture wasn't beautiful.  It showed lots of tube and wires.  Truthfully it was scary.  But I had a choice to make.  I could guard my heart or realize that no matter what I could choose to love her.  I could choose to love her with my whole heart!  There it was.  This beautiful, helpless, precious girl was mine.  God had entrusted her to me.  She deserved to be loved with all that I had in me no matter what.  I had to choose to love her even if it was for only a few more hours.  I had to choose to love her even if it was for a month or a year.

I chose.  I chose to love this precious girl.  JOY filled my heart at that moment and I knew that I loved her already and that it was the sweetest gift I had to offer.

And then the bang.

Just after that the roller coaster ride we were on lurched forward....  one doctor called as another walked into my room.  She had to be put back on the ventilator.  She just couldn't keep going on with out help.  More question.  There was some good news though, the first blood test came back with no problems (or answers).  GULP!  I chose to smile and move forward.  I didn't really know what was next but I knew I was IN.  I was ready to love this tiny, helpless baby no matter what.

Later that day we left the hospital to go home, without our daughter.  It was hard but I knew that I had made the choice.

Eleven years later that is still a sweet memory.  I chose to love her all the way.  I have been given so much more than I have ever given to this miracle.  I am blessed!

Day 4... Permission to NOT have the answer

I like answers!  We live in an age of information.  We don't have to wait for any answers, really.  We can call people and ask questions.  We can search the internet for facts, trivia, opinions, etc...

Especially as a mom I like to have information.  Information gives me power.

I am learning that I do not HAVE to have an answer.  I don't have to know what is coming next.  This is very hard as a "good girl".  When I know what is next I can get prepared.  Not knowing leaves me exposed, vulnerable.  This has been a lesson that my husband and I had to come to terms with very fast.

There really isn't a LOT known about the metabolic disorder our daughter has.  Within the initial explanation of her diagnosis we learned there was a limit to the knowledge these experts had.  They were kind and compassionate but they knew very little.  We also learned that there was not expected path or outcome.  GULP!  While we know more than we knew then, we are more of an expert on our daughter and not her disorder.  We still don't really know what is next.

Even in the world we live in not knowing is ok.  It may not be typical but it is ok.

Some days this concept hits me hard in my gut.  I struggle.  Occasionally I WANT to hide under the covers and make it all go away.  I can't.  So, I am learning to move on even though I don't know the answer.

As a believer I know that God does know the answers.  I have to choose to trust Him.  I have to choose to trust Him with our future and the next step in our journey.

Even before our daughter was born my husband and I claimed the verse Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,'  declares the Lord."

It seems good and easy, but this is something I struggle with.

Day 3.... Breathe

The stunned silence that I felt so often in those early days taught me to breathe.  Yes, basic, everyday, ordinary, breath.  I often had to remind myself that I needed to take a breath.  Take a slow breath before I asked hard questions.  Breathe when I didn't know what else to do.  Breathe when I thought everything was going to overwhelm me.  Just breathe.  One breath at a time.

I wanted her to breathe too.  Just like most parents of newborns I wanted to make sure she was breathing.  I had to fight the urge to watch.  I had to realize that only God could give her breath.  I wanted a promise, a guarantee, a something, that she would continue to breath.  There were no promises like that.  As I would breathe and wish for her to breathe, God's word often came to mind.

Psalm 150:6  "Let everything that has breath praise the Lord."  (NIV)

Yep, there it was, my next instruction.  I was suppose to praise the Lord, even when I didn't feel like it.  Sometimes I only praised Him with a half heart.  Sometimes I could praise Him with facts, truths.  Sometimes I really couldn't.  After all, I didn't know what was going to happen next.  The truth is, I still don't.  I do feel as though I can glance a little farther down the road than I ever allowed myself to in those days.  I still choose to turn these basic every day breaths into praise because He is still good.

Ok, so how is this a stop on this journey?  I have gotten better at just breathing.  Even when things are difficult one of my first responses is to just breathe.  The amazing thing is when I do breathe, I can often see little gifts God has left along the way.  Maybe it is the beauty of a sunrise over the pond across the street.  Maybe it is the song on the radio.  Maybe it is an opportunity to count the many blessings He has left for me that my stress and concern cause me to forget.

The song "Breathe" by Michael W. Smith is a sweet song that helps me to walk through the idea of taking one breath at a time and turning my breath into praise to the Lord.  One breath at a time God is changing me.  He is working through me.  I may not know exactly where this journey is going to take me but I do know that when I let Him work through me amazing things happen.

The Great Adventure....

The 1992 song "The Great Adventure" by Stephen Curtis Chapman has become "our" song.  My husband and I had just been married when this song was released.  It was an exciting time to start out on OUR Great Adventure together.  Even today this is his ring tone on my phone.  As young "kids" we could not predict the amazing adventure life would take us on.  After all, we were "good kids".  We had both been "good kids" growing up.  We met in college.  We married the summer after I finished college.  We are both pretty good at following the rules of life.  The idea of adventure sounded exciting.

Ten years later after a few ups and downs and curves of life we thought we had a pretty good idea about "real life".  Life wasn't always easy.  Choices weren't always easy.  Loving the Lord with all our heart wasn't always easy.  It was always good.  At this point we were getting a pretty good idea about what was ahead.  We already had one fabulous daughter and we had another child on the way.  I was loving life as a stay at home mom and we had moved into our "dream" home that he had designed for us.  We knew we were blessed beyond measure.

August 2002 found us facing "new adventures" that we could not have predicted.  The birth of our second daughter was traumatic.  After an emergency c-section where things got scary pretty fast we were just beginning to catch our breath when the rest of the puzzle would begin to unfold.  At about 36 hours old our new daughter (while our entire family was visiting with us at the hospital) coded.  We were immobile.  We were stunned.  Yet everyone was watching us to know what to do.  We could barely breath.  The only thing I could think of was that God must have known what was happening and that of course He was still good.  It was all I had to hold on to.  We waited.  God spoke.  Our daughter was still alive.  The next few days would set the stage that our adventure would take.  The truths I held onto during those fuzzy, intense days was that God was good no matter what was going to happen.  I also realized that THIS must be why we were blessed with a wonderful family and friend base near us.  Apparently we were going to need it.

I guess we all like road maps to help us know where our adventures are going to take us.  We want to "plan" our side trips and site seeing excursions.  After all, we are a family of "good kids" making "good" choices.  Isn't everything suppose to be "good"?  I obviously had a lot to learn about what "good" means to God.  He is good.  I'm so very glad.  In those early days I worked very hard to remind myself that God was good.  I KNEW it.  I didn't always feel it.  I'm so glad that His goodness is bigger than my faith.

James 1:17 says "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not changes like shifting shadows."

A stop I continually seem to need to make is to remember that God is good.  If the gift is from Him it is good!

31 Days.....

31 Parts of this Unexpected Journey

For the past 11 years I have been on a rather unexpected journey as a parent.  For the next 31 days I am going to take The Neseter's 31 day writing challenge and write about some of my memories, experiences and lessons from these past 11 years.