As I took my preschooler to Mother's Day Out and headed over to Bible study that first Tuesday I remember thinking, "can I do this?" After all I had a newborn in tow that I still wasn't sure what her needs were and what they were going to be. This is what I had planned to do before this journey got so crazy.
I hauled in all my baby stuff and found a cozy corner in the room to "camp" while my friends were getting ready to dive in to a new Bible study. I had never been great at completing all the "homework" for this study in the past but I always got a lot out of it. I did think I was crazy to start such an endeavor.
That first day we talked about what the study was about and the lessons from the first homework (no, I hadn't done the homework). Joshua 1:7 jumped out at me and caught me off guard. "Be strong and very courageous.". My heart began to pound. God's words were not just for Joshua the were for ME! Be strong. I had been working to be strong but doubting that I could be since this little one had come into my life. I didn't know if I could do what was before me. I didn't know if I could face loosing a baby, a child, my daughter. When was it going to happen? What was going to happen? No matter what my mind was thinking my heart was screaming at me to listen.... "Be strong and very courageous." That is when the tears came.
That morning I sat in the corner of the room and cried while holding my little girl. God was telling me that I could be strong. Somehow I knew that coming to Bible study and dragging my baby stuff with me wasn't wrong. He was here. I didn't even have to do the homework to learn what God wanted me to learn. He was going to walk with me and teach me as I went.
Amazing women from my church began to unpack God's word in Joshua that fall. It was a season I will never forget. Women I loved were studying. I sat and soaked it up. I cried. They smiled.
Looking back I see that God used many aspects of that fall to prepare me (and hopefully my little family) for this crazy journey. Back then I would never have predicted that I would be sitting here today listening to the sounds of that same little baby as she prepares for school. Listening to her practice piano and forget to brush her hair (again). I would never have thought I could have been strong enough to handle the bad days in the hospital and the long nights. I would have never thought that I would be parenting two beautiful, strong, independent and unique young ladies. I would not have been able to imagine getting through a day or even a week without crying because I was afraid of what was going to happen next.
Last night I didn't sleep well. I was worrying over details of life and what my role as a parent is as I am parenting a teenager. I was struggling to let go of those details and trust that the Lord was going to lead me today. This morning I am reminded that He has prepared me in the past for what was ahead. Sometimes I do have to be strong and courageous but He is my strength and my shield. He knows what I need and has done a faithful job of providing. I need to remember that today I need to be strong in Him.
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